I can't actually remember why I took up yoga in the first place. I suspect it was something to do with mental health - I've always been a bit anxious and had heard it would calm you down. I was in a role at the time where I just couldn't read my boss and was thus feeling a bit jittery. Katrin's classes were fantastic for getting me into it - I remember turning up to one class early on in work clothes, but she let me do the class anyway! I'd sit on the train back home and try and stay as relaxed as possible.
Then with Sarah, later, a similar standard of hatha, I remember having times when I was absolutely to completely relax in the savasana pose, to go somewhere else. I would leave her classes feeling really mellow, and cycle (slowly) home and go to bed. I've always enjoyed that when it's been possible, although it's taken until this year to really learn about and get into the far more energetic ashtanga and vinyasa flow style yoga. When you do this style of yoga you really start to understand your breath and focus in on smaller elements like your dhrusti (gaze) and how you're using your muscles.
Also, I'm not exactly anyone's idea of a typical yogi, and I can't do various postures that seem to come easily to many - even to my mum and sister, who don't even do yoga! But over the years, what I've come to realise (and this is in large part thanks to my wonderful gym, the YMCA) that it doesn't matter what you look like, what you can do. It matters that you're there, doing it, having a good time. It matters that your form is safe, that you're looking after yourself, and if you're going to teach, it matters that you know how to teach something safely, not that you can do it yourself.
The break I had from yoga was, in a way, necessary. I needed to discover Pilates, to learn about core, to get fit in other ways and to battle other issues and demons. Coming back to it at the start of the year, when things were finally a little more stable (apart from the slight nervous breakdown I had in March!) enabled me to see it from a different perspective, and to hit upon an idea.
I've been looking for something to stimulate me for a long time now. I used to be an online journalist, but moved into digital in 2011. I've been in roles for years now where, despite having good times at times, I don't feel actively helpful, which is what's really important to me. I've stagnated, not knowing what to do with myself, until finally something clicked when I started practicing with Tammy. I want to help other people who have been through the same things as I have. I want to help people who feel like yoga's not for them. I want to help challenge, like Jessamyn Stanley, the ideals of what a yoga teacher should look or sound like.
I can't see that I'll be training and then giving up my day job, at least not straight away (I have a vague idea about a portfolio career, but who knows, that's years down the line!) but the focus for me is on getting myself into a place where I feel confident to apply to the course I want to do, and in feeling strong in myself. It will take time, lots of it, and money, and I'm willing to give that.