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When it comes to being kinky, you’d be surprised how many of us are, from just a bit to a whole lot. Whether you’re into the occasional spank, dressing up, or something much more intense, that's all part of it. Of course, like anything, there's having fun at home, and there's a whole sub-culture too (the kink 'scene'). But what is a discussion about this doing on a yoga blog?

It's here because I came upon a discussion in yoga Facebook groups a while back which sparked my interest.

Leading yoga teacher Donna Farhi said of a Matthew Remski article on abusive teacher Manouso Manos: “In both witnessing and experiencing being physically assaulted by B.K.S. Iyengar and in being humiliated daily in another senior teachers' intensive, I remember saying to myself ‘I either have to admit I'm into S&M (sadism and masochism) or I need to get out’.

“Since then I've been educated by several friends who are engaged in the BDSM culture. Honestly? You'd be safer engaging in an BDSM ritual where boundaries are tacitly expressed, safe words agreed upon, and limits set than you would be walking into a yoga class where one person holds the power and no one else knows what the rules are.”

This led to some interesting discussion points about the ways that this reflects the practices that go on in our modern yogic communities, where power plays abound.

The ties that bind

We know how important it is for a yoga practitioner to be safe in class, how often individuals have been injured, how the lineage history has caused ongoing problems that continue to this day. How we let teachers adjust us without thought for our own anatomy, how we accept touch in a vulnerable state, how we laud those we don’t really know outside of class... Sound familiar?

An informed individual in any community will observe consent strongly. As with any other community, there are always going to be horrendous humans, amazing people and those inbetween.

But with kinks and fetishes, with those who like to dominate and those who like to submit, with sadism (liking to inflict pain) and masochism (liking to receive it), these active, sometimes dangerous choices require a huge amount of education around consent in order to ensure their safety, both physically and psychologically.

Often, much like yoga practitioners, those experiencing relationships with a bit of a bend to them are unaware of these protocols, and are therefore easily picked off by predators. When you’re with someone, hormones flood the body and both parties can take things too far, if boundaries are not laid down clearly from the start. It’s then often up to friends and acquaintances to pick up the pieces and help them understand what happened.

INTERVIEW

I spoke to my friend Calanthe, who is not involved in yoga, but in kink, about her experiences, what consent means to her, and how it impacts on her day-to-day life.

“Although I was aware of consent and how to ask/give it, it was something that I needed to practice and gain confidence in”

— Calanthe, submissive

Tell me a bit about you and your involvement?

I came to the scene after reading books a friend recommended by Cherise Sinclair and doing some research. I liked the relationship dynamics and the community that I read about.

I'd always liked bondage and being dominated sexually. I identify as submissive (sub). This means that I like someone else to be in charge and I serve them, from little things like putting toothpaste on his toothbrush and making the morning tea to allowing them to take full control of any play scene we do. I always liked men taking control sexually - I find men who take control in the right way attractive.

How long have you been involved, and how has this evolved over time?

I was too shy to attend anything in person for over a year, but a girl contacted me on FetLife (a kinky networking website, similar to Facebook) and suggested going to events together. We became friends and went to events together and I made more friends.

I go to less events now that I have a partner but we still go to quite a few! I now have a secure group of close friends and a wider group of less close friends so feel a lot more confident going to events. It took time to build friendships although some people I clicked with quite quickly.

There are a lot of the same faces if you go to enough events and by talking to people about vanilla stuff you get a feel for them and whether it's just friendship or whether you'd like to play (engage in kinky activity together).

Trust comes from talking, listening to other people who have played with them. A big part is not being pressured by the other person. If someone pushes me to play then generally I will not.

How has your experience of the scene changed over time (if it has)?

I am much less naive [than at the start] and can see that there are many people that are manipulative and who use the scene to gain access to vulnerable individuals. I’ve heard multiple accounts of consent violations or poor behaviour, and seen poor behaviour such as not respecting safewords (a mutually agreed word that allows anyone involved to end a situation).

Manipulation can be subtle, but after hearing accounts about people I thought were trustworthy, I am much more aware that those who preach about safety on the scene are often hiding their own poor behaviours.

I’m much more wary of people who run events and I have gained a lot of confidence in how to give and ask for consent. I was easily led in the early days. Although I was aware of consent and how to ask/give it, it was something that I needed to practice and gain confidence in.

I have a good set of friends and feel generally more confident at events, so I now feel that if there was any issue around consent, I have people watching out for me.

Tell us why consent is important?

Consent is important as it is the only way to ensure that another person is happy with what you are doing. Without consent, many actions and even words are abusive. If consent is not discussed, the lines between consensual fun and abuse are not defined.

What does informed consent means within the world of kink?

Consent means that it is up to each individual to agree to what is and is not okay and that no one should do anything without gaining consent first. This includes any form of touching or even verbal play. It is also important in my long-term relationship, as I give my consent for my partner to play with others (and vice versa).

When I first played with my now long-term partner Eist, we were already friends and had seen each other play with other people, but we ran through questions such as where touching was allowed, what clothes could be removed and whether kissing was allowed.

Now our consent is more practical, based around whether my back is okay or whether we want others to join in with play. So Eist might say 'can X join us?" And my response might be yes, but hitting only, no sexual touching or I might say yes, anything is okay (Eist knows my standing hard limits, so he tends to communicate this to others in play as him taking care of me like that is a turn on for me).

Consent of playing with others is never assumed and he always checks with me first. If he broke this rule that we agreed, our relationship would be over as it would be a breach of trust. If I did not have the agreement that I get to say yes or no to him playing with another person, I would not be able to have a relationship with him. I also have a set of rules I made for his play with others, such as not sleeping in the same bed.

Have you had any negative experiences with consent?

I have had situations where my safeword was not respected by my partner (alcohol and misreading of body language were the main factors!) and it caused serious arguments where we had to reagree safewords and I warned him that if he did it again, I would not be continuing our relationship.

Eist has struggled to understand that I respond differently when I am tired and so I now warn him if I am tired and not in a playful mood, so that he can modify how he might behave towards me. Communication is a vital part of consent as consent is an evolving thing in a relationship.

One of my pet hates is assumed consent when people message me. I frequently get unsolicited messages containing orders, dick pics, fantasies and attempts at humiliation. All are totally unacceptable.

Has the use of consent you experience bled across into your daily life at all? Has it changed you?

Yes. I am much more aware that some people don’t like to be touched and that I should ask people for consent before hugging them. I apply this to my job with SEN children and I explicitly teach them about consent for simple things such as touching, hugging etc for younger children but also for the sex education I deliver.

I teach about how to discuss consent and also physical cues that tell someone that consent may have been withdrawn and how to deal with that. This includes teaching that consent cannot be gained if someone is drunk or on drugs - the Cup of Tea video on YouTube is great for this.

Is there anything else you would like to say?

I think consent should be widely taught in schools right from primary school, by people who have had training in why consent is so important in all aspects of life. It would hopefully lead to better relationships and more respect in pubs and clubs etc. I have seen women made to feel very uncomfortable at my gym from male personal trainers who get very hands-on in stretching. I have a female PT who is much more aware of consent and she always asks before touching.

There is another side of consent with regards to touching though; I work with SEN pupils where it is sometimes necessary to restrain pupils for their own safety or for the safety of others. This is always non-consensual but necessary. I try to always speak to a pupil after doing this to explain why it was done and why in that situation it is not their choice.

Some pupils have latched on to the idea of consent and declare that we, as staff, can’t touch them (usually as they are misbehaving!). I remind them of the law regarding restraint which is reasonable, proportionate and necessary.

Pupils can be restrained if they are a danger to themselves or others, destroying property or refusing to leave a room which disrupts others education. It is also impossible to introduce “no touch” rules in schools as this can lead to a phobia of touch when pupils are only touched to restrain. It is also impossible in most school classrooms to navigate them without touching pupils to squeeze between desks!

—

As yoga teachers and practitioners, perhaps we can take what we learn about consent in different arenas and apply it across our lives. For students, it’s becoming more aware of the manipulations, educating ourselves and sometimes our teachers, being able to combat power imbalance, pushing back against behaviours we find unacceptable, and absenting ourselves if there is no other option.

For teachers, it’s about recognising that too, and biting back from the other side. Continuing to work to educate those in our sector, even when it may seem hard work. Each tiny drop of water will nick away at the biggest stone. A big thank you to Calanthe for speaking so openly and educating me!